Work 5 Us the feedback Hello Yusuf, Excellent work on your first draft. I learned a lot from reading your essay. I think you have been very thorough

Work 5 Us the feedback Hello Yusuf,

Excellent work on your first draft. I learned a lot
from reading your essay. I think you have been
very thorough

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Work 5 Us the feedback Hello Yusuf,

Excellent work on your first draft. I learned a lot
from reading your essay. I think you have been
very thorough in explaining the ways in which
Somali immigrants have had to adapt to the
United States.

For your final draft, I would like you to focus on
developing your thesis statement. I believe your
current thesis statement comes at the end of your
first paragraph, when you state, “However, despite
the negative experiences, Somali refugees in
America have ensured that they stick by their
culture since it defines their personality and
originality.” I believe you could use some more
specific wording here. How have they ensured
this? Rather than saying that they have ensured it,
state what they have done to ensure it.

Also, it’s clear to me how their culture defines
their personality, but I’m not sure what you mean
by “originality.” I don’t feel that you discuss this in
the essay as much as you do “personality.” I
wondered if you might be looking for a similar
word with a slightly different meaning. To me,
“originality” implies one’s ability to develop new
ideas. But I think you may be talking about the
qualities that make Somali people different from

others. Is this correct? See if you can find a more
specific word to get your meaning across.

There are a couple pieces of information I
believe will be necessary for you to establish early
on in the essay. First, what does the word,
“Bantu,” signify? Is this word used to identify any
Somali refugee? Is it a particular type of person
within the Somali refugee community? You do not
use the word in the body of your essay until the
bottom of page four, but it seems to be important
to your essay. Establish what this means in your
first paragraph. I believe you should also establish
in your first paragraph that Islam is the primary
(or only?) religion of the Somali people. This will
clarify some of the points you make elsewhere in
the essay.

There are a few areas within your essay where
missing wording is confusing your meaning. For
example, on page two, you say, “However, despite
the traumas experienced war breakout in Somali,
the refugees experienced maltreatment and
alienation because of the negative experiences.”
There seems to be a word or words missing from
the beginning part of the sentence. How do the
concepts of “traumas experienced” and “war
breakout in Somali” relate to one another? Include
language that makes this connection clear.

It’s also not clear to me whether the “negative
experiences” mentioned at the end of the
sentence are the traumas from the beginning of
the sentence, or something else. Some more
specific wording could clarify this.

Another example occurs shortly after this,
when you state, “The challenges have been
instigated especially with…” It is unclear what
challenges you’re referring to, and I’m not sure
that “instigated” adequately captures the meaning
you’re intending. I believe you mean that the
language barrier has been one of the most
significant challenges in the attempts by Somali
refugees to adapt to American society. I believe
you just need to revise your wording so it is clear
what challenges you’re referring to, and choose a
more precise word than “instigated.”

Also, throughout your essay, it is not always
clear to me how much of the text is summarized
from your source material, and how much
represents your original ideas. This should be
clarified by introducing your source in your
writing (i.e. – “Sandra Grady, a blah-blah-blah
professor who studies immigrant cultures at
such-and-such university”) the very first time you
include information from that source.

You have included in-text citations when you
first include information from your sources, but
you also need to make it clear when you have
finished including information from a particular
source. This can be accomplished by including an
additional in-text citation at the end of a section
in which you include information from that
source. You may also clarify this by including in-
text citations multiple times throughout the
section where information from one source is
included. Also, see my notes on your References
page for some questions I have about your
sources.

On page three, I think you need to clarify the
point you make about schooling for both elderly
and young refugees. I think you mean to say that
elderly Somali refugees receive no education in
America, whereas younger Somali refugees do.
But your language needs to be a little more
specific, because it’s not clear where you’re saying
said education is coming from.

At first, I thought maybe you meant that the
elderly Somali refugees received no education in
their entire lives, regardless of where they were
living. I believe you mean to emphasize that
younger refugees have an easier time adapting to

American society, because they attend school in
America. Revise your wording to clarify this point.

In this same vein, your use of the word,
“Furthermore,” confuses your meaning in this
section, when you say, “Furthermore, young
refugees have had exposure…” I believe you are
presenting a notion that is contrary to what
occurred with elderly refugees. If that is the case,
you should use a different introductory word for
this sentence, as “furthermore” indicates an
additional point, whereas I think you really mean
to make a contrary point. Consider what words
might more clearly indicate this.

Another place where I believe your meaning is
confused by your wording is when you say, on
page three, “America has massive Western
civilization since it is an already established
state.” America is a part of Western civilization. It
can’t really possess Western civilization. I think
that you intend to say to your reader that America
has a significant amount of cultural differences
from the Somali people, which is understandable,
since it is an already established society. Consider
how you might revise your wording to better
express this.

I understand your points about the traditional
roles of men and women in Somali society, but I
was confused by your use of the word,
“providence.” What does it mean for a man to be
placed in charge of providence? Does this word
adequately capture your intended meaning? Look
up the definition and see if it fits. Consider
whether a different word would work better.

There were a number of areas where I had
difficulty understanding your meaning on page
four. When you say, “They remained adamant and
avoided changing their outcomes,” I think the
word “outcomes” does not quite capture your
intended meaning. I’m not sure what exactly was
meant here. Check the definition.

Also, it’s not entirely clear who “they” refers to
here, because I think you were referring to
Americans in the previous sentence when you
said, “they.” You may need to reestablish who you
are talking about.

A little while after this, you state, “their full
production in the companies without failure.” I’m
not sure what their “full production” is, and there
seems to be some words missing in the sentence
in general. How does space and time interfere

with their duties as employees? I can imagine, but
state it precisely so your reader understands.

Just after this, you state, “changing the working
systems through the human resource
management systems…a minority demand’s case.”
I believe you need to include some more specific
wording here to explain what kind of changes
you’re talking about. I’m not sure if it’s necessary
to state that this occurred through human
resources departments.

I think you could also use some more specific
language when you say, “a minority demand’s
case.” Who is the minority (I know it’s the Somali
refugees, but you should state this). I’m also not
sure you need to include the word, “case.” A
“demand” is already a noun, and I believe they had
multiple demands. So, you could probably just use
the plural noun and remove, “case.”

Moving into page five, you state that the Somali
Bantu have “slowly been shaken and incorporated
to the systems.” I’m not sure what “shaken” means
in this context. I believe either a different word or
additional wording is necessary to get your
meaning across.

When you talk about dress codes for women,
I’m not sure, when you say, “other dressing

codes,” if you’re referring to Islamic codes or
school codes? Since you say it is “extremely
different from what they have been raised to
believe in,” I thought maybe you were intending to
indicate that the hijabs do not fit with the school’s
dress code. If that is so, it just needs to be
clarified with some additional wording.

Later, on page five, you refer to “atrocities,” as
well as the “extended community,” and
“allegations.” I’m not sure what these statements
refer to. What are the atrocities or allegations?
Does the “extended community” refer to the
American community the Bantu live in? Additional
wording is needed to explain these points.

Later in this paragraph, you state, “It means
that they ensure,” but I’m not sure what “it” refers
to or who “they” are. Vague pronouns can create
confusion unless your reader is sure what they
refer to. Revise your wording to make these points
clearer.

On page six, there are a few points where I
think your word choice could be more specific.
You talk about the “primary way that Somali
Bantus have ensured they exist in the American
society.” The word, “exist,” makes it sound as if
you are referring to their ability to remain alive.

But I think you’re talking about their ability to
function in this community. A different word
choice would probably be preferable.

Likewise, when you use the word “culture” or
“cultures” in the essay, I do not believe it captures
your intended meaning. A culture is a collection of
beliefs and customs within a specific group. But I
think you’re intending to refer to the beliefs and
customs themselves. When you say the Bantu
“have compromised some of their cultures,” it
sounds as though you are saying they have more
than one culture, when in reality they only have
one. I believe you mean to refer to the various
beliefs and customs within their culture. Revise
your wording to clarify this point.

There’s a somewhat similar confusion of
meaning in the next sentence when you say the
Bantu are “part of American citizens.” One can be
an American citizen, but one cannot be a part of
an American citizen. I think maybe you’re looking
for a different word than “citizen.” Look it up and
see if it captures your meaning. Consider revising.

Shortly after this, you make a point that creates
a conflict in meaning similar to what occurred
when discussing elderly and younger Bantu. You
state that their “strategy is beneficial,” then

provide two reasons why. The first, “they have
connected with other Somali Bantus,” sounds
positive and beneficial, whereas the second, that
they have been “forced to live in hiding and
denial,” does not. I’m not sure of your intended
meaning here. These two ideas do not seem to go
together. Consider how you might revise this to
better communicate your intended meaning.

Finally, at the end, you introduce a new idea,
that the Somali refugees connect with their
families “back in Somali,” and have “introduced
positive changes” to them. If you’re going to
include this information, I recommend including it
elsewhere in the essay, as here, it seems like
you’re making a new point at the very end.

For your References page, be sure to
place “References” at the very top of the page.
Also, I believe Sandra Grady is the only listed
author of Improvised Adolescence. Are these three
sources all from the same book? There are
conflicting dates of publication (which should only
appear once in the citation). Was she an editor,
and were there pieces by multiple authors in this
book? If this is the case, you should only use one
citation, and this would count as only one
academic source. Please let me know if you have
questions about this.

Also, in your citations, the publisher location,
ISBN, and page numbers are not required.

I know I’ve given you a lot here. Please focus
primarily on focusing your thesis statement,
making clear note of where source information
appears in your essay, including additional
sources if needed, and revising your wording for
clarity. I look forward to reading your final draft.

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